The Annotated Weldon
Editor’s Note: As a courtesy to our readers, and because frankly, there’s no columnist at the Delaware County Times (or, in fairness, The Inquirer since Steve Lopez left town) with the cojones to do it, I’ve decided to translate from pol-spin to English the statement of U.S. Rep. Curt Weldon about the FBI’s investigation into his activities, focusing on influence peddling on behalf of his daughter and Delaware County, Pa., GOP power broker Charlie Sexton. It is, of course, just my opinion, but one would hope you’d find it both entertaining and enlightening. The text of the original statement is in black, my translation is in blue.
SPRINGFIELD, PA — Congressman Curt Weldon issued the following statement in response to media inquiries regarding a preliminary inquiry by the Justice Department:
"I have received confirmation that the Justice Department has opened apreliminary inquiry into items previously reported on by the LA Times in 2004.”
Obviously, I knew about the investigation because word had been filtering out for weeks about it looming — I was praying that it wouldn’t become public before Election Day.
“I look forward to providing law enforcement personnel with any and all documents and information that they may seek to review. I will cooperate 100 percent with the inquiry. I am confident that investigators will reach the same conclusions as the House Ethics Committee, which looked into these allegations in 2004 at my request, and found that I had engaged in no wrongdoing.”
Just as Congressional GOP leadership looked closely into the actions of Rep. Mark Foley between the years 2000 and 2006 and found nothing. Until the media finally picked up the scent.
“I am extremely disappointed that we are discussing this topic three weeks before an election that could determine control of Congress. The timing of this situation is deeply concerning.
As I said, I was hoping to keep it quiet until after the election. Before this, I was in a dog fight with that damn sailor. Now, I’m in deep, deep trouble.
“Over my 30 years of public service, I have helped thousands of local residents, whether it be creating new jobs or helping them with their personal problems. The interests of local residents have always been my main priority in Congress and I ask voters to give me the benefit of the time as this inquiry plays its course. I want to say again, I did nothing wrong and I believe this inquiry will prove that.”
Hopefully, no one will remember my woeful constituent services, arrogant attitude and regular attempts to conduct foreign policy on my own — circumventing presidents and administrations of both parties.
“But what’s really disappointing to me is the politics of personal destruction that left wing liberal activists like CREW have engaged in. CREW, for those of you who don’t know, is the group that requested the Justice Department look at this issue two years ago. It is no coincidence that the Vice President of CREW, Philadelphia trial lawyer Daniel Berger and his law firm are among the single largest contributors to my opponent Joe Sestak’s campaign.”
Whew. Good thing someone reminded me not to spell out Citizens for Responsibility and Ethics in Washington. Writing CREW makes it sound like they’re a bunch of Philly mobsters instead of a liberal watchdog that goes after Republicans and Democrats on ethics issues. Who do you think dropped the dime on Rep. Foley?
“This is a group that is closely tied to my opponent Joe Sestak and now, just weeks before my reelection word that the inquiry is occurring has mysteriously trickled out. That is dirty, partisan politics at its absolute worst.”
Hopefully, no one will notice that CREW actually has a Republican board member who donated a lot of money to George W. Bush and its primary mission is to root out corruption in government. God forbid that anyone find out the leaks probably came from a Bush Administration Justice Department source.
“I look forward to the completion of the inquiry so that my name can be cleared. I intend to return to the campaign trail to continue my discussion of the issues facing our region, such as job creation, improving education, and reducing taxes on the middle class.”
All right, really, I don’t want to talk about job creation, improving education, and reducing taxes because I’ve done a lousy job at that — unless you’re a rich, white guy, which is generally who I prefer to talk to, anyway. But it beats explaining why FBI agents are tossing my kid’s office.
“Due to the ongoing nature of the inquiry, neither I, nor my official or campaign staff will provide any further statements on the matter at this time."
So now the media will know what it’s like to be one of my non-donating constituents.